Jaded
by Childish Sadism
Summary: Be cautious, the green eyed monster can easily poison you. It can reach you and drag you into it's claws. How can you run away from your own head? - Rin/Haruka.


I think I have a fanfic named Jaded already...I think, who knows. I don't care. I feel like I'm going to write a fic each time a new episode comes out, THIS FUCKING SHOW, SO MANY FEELS. well, as long as it has Rin and Haruka...ehehehe

ALSO, RIN, WHY! -insert random dramatic Adele song here.-

WARNINGS: my grammar, shit be tough man.

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Faster

No, he had to do it harder.

Harder. He was not going to stop. He couldn't stop.

Rin closed his eyes tightly, he was trying to get rid of the never ending burning sensation on his chest but he couldn't. If anything it was growing bigger. Little by little that poison was spreading through his body, tensing it up and making him stiff. He needed it to stop, he needed it to end before it could reach any further. The way it was making him hurt...it was painful, it was angering. No, he was not angry, hew as furious and each time he reminded himself of it, he could feel his blood rushing through his veins.

Each time he closed his eyes he could vividly remember the race. How each and one of them tried their hardest, how Nagisa was getting better. How Makoto hadn't change and could still move the world around him with how powerful he was and then...then there was him. That guy, the new person in their team. Rin didn't even know his name and at some point he truly did not want to know it. He was pathetic, his body wasn't build for swimming and most importantly he was in a place where he didn't belong!

He was in Rin's spot.

He was a replacement, for him? Funny. Even the idea made Rin laugh in his head. He couldn't be replaced. He was the one that helped them become what they are now, he was the one that dragged Haruka out of his shell. It was him, he did all of this, it was his hard work, it was his ideas, it was his everything. Just thinking about all of this was making his blood boil, it was tearing through him and he just couldn't...he couldn't feel like this anymore.

He wanted to open his eyes, he truly did. But if he did then he would see the familiar face underneath him and it was just another reminder of what happened.

Rin wasn't at fault here, he truly wasn't. Honestly he had just been curious, of how after winning against Haruka and leaving him almost crawling on the floor, the other had still been able to push through. Rin had to see what was happening, he had to, he needed to. It wasn't like he even went as far as to use Gou to know when they were going to be meeting, no...he wasn't that low, or was he?

The whole team was training, not only for their usual races but for future relays. Nagisa was constantly stopping to talk to Rei and he would give him a few times here and there. He was happy to help him and just wouldn't stop talking to him. Makoto was right there too, encouraging the beginner, giving him his usual kind smile but it was different, it showed support and understanding. Makoto was trying his best to help Rei too. The two were helping him and encouraging him non-stop, it was so pathetic, how bad could the other be if he needed all of that support? How sad.

Rin truly wanted to slap himself for being worried, for even thinking that someone like that guy could be a threat.

...that was until he saw Haruka swimming towards the group. The blue eyed boy was standing next to Rei, sighing at him before mumbling something and gently placing his hand on his shoulder. He pointed towards pool and then did some motions with his hands before leaving to swim again.

He probably didn't even talked to Rei for more than five minutes...maybe it was even just a minute, but for Rin it felt like an eternity. He kept replaying how Haruka willingly swam towards the other and placed his hand on his shoulder. How Haruka willingly was giving him instructions and teaching him new things. Haruka...Nanase. The person that didn't like useless people, the person that used to hate Rin and think less of him. That same person, was being kind to this, to this guy? Why? For what purpose! Haruka hated bothersome people, he hated having to deal with any kind of bullshit and here he was, willingly associating himself with someone like HIM.

Rin felt a wave of coldness spreading through his body when he come to a simple realization. He denied what his head was telling him, and instead focused on how cold his fingers felt, how his back was stiffening but he couldn't. He couldn't stop his thoughts from racing. He had to get away. He needed to run away. He did.

But he couldn't stay away. The memories kept rushing through his head, when he first met Haruka, when he fist met Makoto and when he first met Nagisa. It was like the past was hunting him, not letting him rest and he could see their smiling faces but he couldn't tear them away from his head. They needed to disappear, they needed to crash and collapse. If he wasn't there, they shouldn't be like this, if it wasn't because of him, they shouldn't be this strong.

It wasn't like Rin didn't want to stop, but he just couldn't. Talking to Gou was not helping, if anything it was making the spreading of that venom faster, but he found himself texting his sister again. Asking about the new guy, asking about who he was. All he could do was ask and Gou...Gou was so happy to talk to him she would answer anything. She just wanted her big brother to be happy again, to be with his team but Rin couldn't even think about his sister's wishes, not right now. He ignored her happy comments and kept reading.

It was even more angering when Rin found out that Rei was actually a track runner. He wasn't even a swimmer, he had just started a couple of months ago and was the last member to join their club. Nagisa was the one that found out about him and of course Makoto went along with him. He expected Haruka to have a different reaction, anything, but that's far from what happened. Haruka simply accepted him, he agreed and just kept on going.

Ha...

Rin found himself laughing. He was laughing but he could feel a thick fear spreading through his body, it was washing over him and suffocating him. Haruka couldn't do this, he couldn't accept anyone, he couldn't let anyone in so easily. He couldn't. Haruka couldn't do any of that. Rin was the one that worked hard, he was the one that compete against him. He was the one that was there, pushing him, dragging him and being constantly there. And Haruka, Haruka had given him the hardest time, ever in his whole life. He looked at him like if he was below him, he pulled Makoto away from him. He wanted to isolate him, to show how much he didn't like him, how much he couldn't accept people in his life and yet...yet...he simply agreed to this guy, he agreed for this guy to be part of his life.

It was too funny, too painful and Rin stopped laughing. The cold sweat on his back was a reminder, a reminder of how afraid he was, how scared he was. He was shaking now and he couldn't control his body. It had to be a lie, it had to be nothing but bullshit.

But it wasn't.

Gou kept talking to him. She kept texting him and telling him about how well the team was doing.

"Oh, yeah! Teaching Rei how to swim was pretty rough! It was kind of funny too but don't tell him I said that. Haruka also tried to teach him how to swim freestyle. He worked with him all day and taught him everything he knew but it still didn't work. We kind of lost hope there for a second! But Rei pulled through! He wants to learn to swim like Haruka, he thinks Haruka is beautiful when he swims!"

That was the last text Rin read from Gou and the last one he responded.

"He is...isn't he? Haruka...when he swims."

The burning rage he felt inside of him overpower him then. He was angry at everyone. He was angry at Nagisa for finding Rei. He was angry at Makoto for accepting him...but he was mostly angry at Haruka for allowing him into his life so easily. He couldn't control it. He couldn't stop it from happening. The stiffness in his body had grown and now it was like his body couldn't be controlled, like if he was moving by nothing but instinct.

That's how he ended up here. He almost forgot, the blinding rage in his body made it impossible to stop what he was doing. This was why he couldn't open his eyes, but he wanted to. He was just afraid of what he was going to see. Slowly Rin was able to open his eyes and stared down at the face underneath him. Haruka was squirming, panting quietly and curling up. He was blindfolded and it had been Rin the one he did it. He couldn't stand looking at those eyes. Not now, not when he was so angry, not when he wanted to let it all out. If he was to stare into Haruka's eyes, then he was going to get lost again. He was going to turn around and run away, and then he was going to feel pathetic. He couldn't allow that to happen. He wasn't going to let that happen.

Rin wasn't going to disappear, he was not going to allow himself to be forgotten that easy, to be replaced so quickly. Not when he worked so hard to be seen in Haruka's eyes.

He could hear himself groaning and he squirmed on top of the body under his. He moved his hips, positioning himself better as he quickly penetrated the squirming body. Haruka was panting and he was arching his back and Rin found himself burring his face against his chest. He was holding onto Haruka's wrists, keeping him still, keeping him from moving too much. The other had to stop moving so much, or else...or else it was going to become too painful, for him. Rin was fine, he was just fine, he couldn't feel bad about what he was doing, not now at least.

Rin took a deep breathe, his cheek pressing firmly against Haruka's chest. He could hear his heartbeat and any noises he was letting out. He could hear everything. With a growl he moved closer, his thighs slipping underneath Haruka's own thighs, lifting his body up against his own, making him curl up against the other teen. He was looming over him, pressing his weight against him and keeping him as close as he possibly could. Rin couldn't stop moving his hips, it wasn't about thrusting inside the other, it wasn't about bringing himself a climax, no. He didn't want to cum and he didn't want to find a release. All he wanted was to claim what was his, all he wanted was to show Haruka, that he was here, that he was not going to just disappear and be replaced. Even if he was the one that wanted to move on, even if he wanted to be better than Haruka, he didn't want him to stop thinking about him.

He only wanted Haruka to think about him, just him. Only him, only accept him, only see him. Only feel bad because of him, only feel accomplished because of him. Just him. Even if Makoto and Nagisa were there, he was okay with that. They could be near his Haruka, but that new person, the person taking his place. He wanted to rip him to shreds. He wanted Haruka to be as cruel to him as he was with him. He wanted Haruka to make that person feel less, to feel unworthy, to feel unaccomplished, just like Haruka made Rin feel. Just then, and just maybe, could that person intrude into their lives. The bonds he had with them, the bond he had with Haruka, he couldn't tangle them, not now, not ever.

Rin heard himself laughing again, he was laughing against Haruka's chest, pressing harder onto his wrists and moving closer to him. Rin's chest was pressing against Haruka's and his cheek was pressing against his as well. He couldn't be any closer now, not unless he melted their bodies together.

"R-rin..." The weak voice whispered and the Rin found himself quickly pressing both of his hands above the others mouth. He reacted automatically, both of his hands kept the mouth tightly shut, keeping any noises from slipping out again. He was scared of what he was doing, his eyes were wide and his hands were trembling. Haruka was now holding onto his wrists, trying to force his hands to move but his hands were staying firmly in place.

He was panting staring down at Haruka as he weakly struggle against him. How long had he been doing this? All he could remember was ringing Haruka's doorbell and then he was in the hallway. Next thing he knew was that he was doing this, that he needed to do this. This wasn't about the team, this wasn't about being replaced. This was something else, Rin was just trying to dilute himself, to make a delusion for himself that would make all of this make sense. This was about Haruka, this was about how he wanted Haruka, how he felt entitle to him and how he couldn't bear the idea of Haruka allowing anyone else in his life. He had been upset that Haruka was still hanging around with Makoto and Nagisa, but he let it pass...but this, this had been too much. Haruka couldn't see anyone else, not anymore.

Not when Rin was back. He was back, he came back. It was confusing, how he wanted to destroy and beat Haruka, how he wanted him to feel what he felt when he was defeated and how he wanted to move on but in the end, when he saw him again. When he saw him swimming with someone else, then he wanted to be with him again. To be near him again. He couldn't decide, he couldn't pick what was more important, what was better for him and now. Now he was just burning in jealousy, the green poison had spread through his body and lead him to this. It all lead to this and Rin...Rin was happy that he was doing this, it had to be done, he had to do it.

Haruka was here for Rin...right? Wasn't that right?

Rin ran his tongue over Haruka's jawline, his fingers pushing inside his mouth before he leaned in to kiss him. He hungrily pushed his tongue inside his mouth, biting and sucking on Haruka's tongue before doing the same to his lips. He left cuts here and there, but he just leaned in and licked the wound clean. Both of his hands were holding onto Haruka's wrists again, keeping him pinned down onto the floor.

He wanted to see his eyes now, but his brain wouldn't let him reach for the blindfold. He was afraid of what he was going to see...hate? Anger? Disgust? He wasn't sure, but he knew he wasn't going to be able to handle it. Not now, at least not today. Maybe later Haruka could scream at him, he could yell and hurt him, but right now he couldn't let him do any of that.

All he wanted was for Haruka to understand, to know that Rin wasn't going anywhere and that he belonged with him. That he was jealous, that he couldn't control himself when Haruka put him in this position. Maybe he was a terrible person for thinking this way, who knew, he wasn't sure if he was bad or not. But what he was doing felt perfectly right.

Rin grinned against Haruka's neck, panting and licking on the skin there. He wanted to leave marks everywhere. He wanted the marks to stay there forever. He sucked and bit on the skin until it was a purple and blue color. He did it everywhere on Haruka's chest, on his neck and even on his arms. The marks were highly visible and it would be impossible to cover them up, not when Haruka swim every day. Even wearing short sleeves would show the dark marks. Rin wasn't doing this to hurt him, but once again as a reminder, each time Haruka would see those marks he was going to remember of who did them. Not Makoto, not Nagisa and not Rei, but him, the one that can beat him. The one that can pull him and push him, the only one that can own him.

How terrible it was for him to think this way. The poison had spread too much, the magenta eyes were now green with envy and that's all he could see. The only thing he could see was his need to possess what he thought belonged to him, what he thought he was losing. What he thought was slipping away and he was never going to be able to grasp again. He was blinded by his own envy, so much that he forgot that Haruka was the one that open the door and let him in. All he could see were the horrible feelings spreading through his body, projecting what they wanted him to see. Showing rejecting when there was acceptance.

Rin never stopped to think about the fact that Haruka was not struggling. That Haruka hadn't been fighting with him, even though Rin thought he was raping him. Even though Rin was so afraid of doing something so terrible, he never once stopped his train of thought to realize that Haruka was not rejecting him. But it was all that Rin was able to see, it was all he could see at the moment and the only thing that was making him feel better was the illusion that he was in control now, that he was taking what was his and belonged to him. That he was the winner, that Haruka was his own and nobody else's, that he was not going to be replaced.

The green eyed monster was slowly chewing him whole, tearing him apart and taking over his body and Rin...Rin could only feel himself grinning as the delusion kept going and he kept fucking the body underneath him. The monster was going to devour him and in return, he was going to devour what belonged to him.

Rin just didn't realized, that Haruka had already allowed himself to be taken over by him a long time ago.

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Rin being jealous was the hottest thing in the planet.

Reviews amuse me.


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